A preacher I used to know defined transition like being poured out of one glass and into another, saying that when you’re between glasses it’s pretty scary. That is where I am right now. Things from the life I’m leaving are falling away and part of me is already at that in-between place.
I am having to force myself to let go of some things,and maybe not care about them anymore. When I say “not care” it is not a mean thing, like “pftwww (insert spewing sound)”. This is not caring because it’s either not really mine to do or think about any more. There is also an element of turning myself away from and instead looking forward to.
I have lived in this town for over two decades and been on my job for over fifteen years. To say I have a routine doesn’t begin to describe my life. My life is in no way boring but there is a rhythm to the days, weeks, months, years that have a distinct flow. That will soon be replaced with new experiences, jobs, friends, etc.
As a bookkeeper the accounting cycle drives your duties, certain ones at certain times and certain intervals. Each week and month I am doing the last part of something and I can feel it. I mean nearly physically feel it. It’s November and time for thinking about wrapping up the year with all the duties that entails. With each little function I say an inward “Well, I won’t be doing that here again.”
As I teach my Lit classes the progression of the school year evokes those feelings also. Last week I thought, “That will be that last time I teach about Socrates here.” And so it moves on.
Last week my boss mentioned I was unusually quiet. At first I thought he was wrong but he was indeed correct. There is an inner concentration that is with me right now. I can’t explain it. Nor can it be blamed on Nat’l Novel Writing Month which I am in the throes of at the moment. All I know is that it’s a bit scary, and feels a bit like vertigo. Things are spinning around me and in order to keep my balance I must focus intently so I don’t tumble.
Prayers would be appreciated right now, or silly jokes, or dark chocolate. If I seem distant don’t worry, I don’t think I have ever been as here in the moment as I am currently. I’m just trying to be in the flow so I don’t miss the glass when the time comes.
Lori Forbis 